LAUGHTER SHOULD BECOME PART OF SADHANA

I. Paddy was feeling under the weather, so he went to see his doctor. "I just can't find any cause for your illness," said the physician. "Frankly, I think it is due to drinking."

"In that case," replied Paddy, getting up to leave, "I will come back when you are sober!"

II. An unshaven, dirty, bedraggled panhandler, with bloodshot eyes and teeth half gone, asks Paddy for a dime.

"Do you drink, smoke, or gamble?" asks Paddy.
"Mister," says the bum, "I don't touch a drop, or smoke the filthy weed, or bother with evil gambling."

"Okay," says Paddy, "if you will come home with me I will give you a dollar."
As they enter the house, Maureen takes Paddy aside and hisses, "How dare you bring that terrible looking specimen into our home!?"

"Darling," says Paddy, "I just wanted you to see what a man looks like who doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, and doesn't gamble."

III. "Our great athlete, Ivan Ivanovitch," says the Russian radio announcer, "has just smashed all existing records for the two-hundred-yard dash, the high jump, the long jump, the mile run, the five-mile run, and the marathon. He overcame a blizzard, a range of mountains and complete lack of water. Unfortunately, our great athlete's performance was in vain. He was captured and brought back to Russia!"

IV. Muffin Snuffler, the White House cleaner, is polishing the floor in the Oval Office one day, when he looks up at George Washington's portrait and sees the lips moving.

Shocked and a little frightened, Muffin edges closer to the portrait and listens to America's hero speak.

"Bring me a horse!" commands Washington. "I am going to put this country in order!"

Muffin races out of the office and bumps straight into President George Bush. "Mister President, sir," he screams, "George Washington's portrait just spoke to me!"

"Don't be an idiot!" snaps Bush. "Pictures don't talk!" And he walks into the Oval Office and over to the painting. But before he reaches it, George Washington speaks again, "Hey, Muffin!" shouts Washington, "I told you to bring me a horse -- not a donkey!"

V. A Bible-bashing Baptist is preaching to a Texas businessman, who doubts the miracle of divine punishment.

"Let me tell you," says the preacher, "about a remarkable occurrence. On the TV news last night there was a story about a politician who was struck by lightning while he was telling a lie. A miraculous incident, was it not?"

"Well, I don't know," drawls the Texan. "It would be more of a miracle if lightning struck a politician when he wasn't lying."

VI. "Boys," said Father O'Flanagan to his bible class, "you should never lose your tempers. You should never swear, or get excited or angry. I never do. Now to illustrate -- you see that big fly on my nose? A good many wicked men would get angry at that fly, but I don't. I never lose my temper. I simply say, `Go away, fly, go away.' And then suddenly he jumped and said,"JESUS CHRIST! It's a bee, the son of a bitch!"

VII.  "I locked my husband out of the house last week for playing around with other women," sobs young Mrs. Bedspring in the confession box. "And now he wants me to take him back. What should I do, Father?"

"You must take him back," replies Father Fungus, patting her hand through the curtain. "It is your Christian duty. But first," Fungus continues, tightening his grip, "how would you like to get even with the bastard!"

OSHO

LAUGHTER IS THE VERY ESSENCE OF RELIGION

I. I have heard about the Polack Pope:
He was aboard a plane and the pilot said, "It is unfortunate that out of the four engines one has stopped working, but there is no need to worry. Three engines are more than enough to take us to our destination. The only thing is we will be three hours late."

After fifteen minutes he said, "Sorry to interrupt you again: the second engine has stopped, but no need to worry. Two engines are still more than enough and we will complete our journey, but now we will be six hours late."

And after half an hour he announced again, "Ladies and gentlemen, sorry to announce that the third engine has also failed, but still there is no need to panic. One engine is enough to take us to the destination, but now we will be nine hours late."

And after just five minutes he said, "If you want to say your prayers you can say them, because the last engine has stopped?" And there was great panic and chaos, but the Polack Pope was sitting silently. The lady sitting by his side ying and weeping and screaming He said "What is the matter? Why are you so worried? At the most we will be twelve hours late!"

II. The Polack patient lying on the operating table whispers to the surgical-masked doctor, "You can take your mask off now, doctor, I have recognized you!"

III. It is a dark and stormy day at the Vatican. The bells are tolling ominously, as inside, on his deathbed, lies Pope the Polack, breathing his last.
At the bedside there is a crowd of bishops, cardinals, priests and other homosexuals, moaning and chanting. Cardinal Cats-ass is crying his eyes out, as he is bent over the pope's face.
"Ah! Don't be upset," gasps Pope the Polack. "Don't cry. The Vatican council will surely find a great man to take my place. As a matter of fact, I am sure he will do much better than me." "But," whimpers Catsass, "that is just what they promised us last time!"

IV. The distraught young man was perched on the fortieth-floor ledge of a midtown hotel and threatening to jump. The closest the police could get was the roof of an adjacent building a few feet below. However, all pleas to the man to return to safety were of no avail. A priest from the nearest parish was summoned, and he hastened to the scene."Think, my son," he intoned to the would-be suicide. "Think of your mother and father who love you."

"Aw, they don't love me," the man replied. "I'm jumping!" "No! Stop!" cried the priest. "Think of the woman who loves you!"
"Nobody loves me! I'm jumping!" came the response. "But think," the priest implored, "think of Jesus and Mary and Joseph who love you!"
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph?" the man queried, "who are they?"
At which point the cleric yelled back, "Jump, you Jew bastard, jump!"

V. A minister, a priest and a rabbi were discussing how they "divined" what part of the collection money each retained for personal needs and what part was turned in to their respective institutions.

VI. "I draw a line," said the minister, "on the floor. All the money I toss in the air -- what lands to the right of the line I keep, to the left of the line is the Lord's."
The priest nodded, saying, "My system is essentially the same, only I use a circle. What lands inside is mine, outside is his." The rabbi smiled and said, "I do the same thing. I toss all the money into the air and whatever God grabs is his!"

VII. "How much for a roast beef sandwich?" asks Little Feenie Finkelstein, standing in Chicken Chopper's Sandwich Shop."Two dollars," replies Chicken Chopper, from 
behind the counter."How much for a cheese sandwich?" asks the little Jew.
"One dollar," replies Chicken.
"What about a ham sandwich?" asks Feenie. But before Chicken Chopper can reply there is a loud clap of thunder in the sky overhead.
Feenie Finkelstein falls to his knees, looks up at the sky and prays out loud, "Okay! Okay! -- I was only asking!"


OSHO

LAUGHTER IS NEEDED FOR YOU TO EXIST

I. The Polack Pope was finally persuaded by his cardinals to find a woman, so that he could better understand the problems of mankind. "Well-a, okay," said the Polack Pope, "but-a she's-a gotta have certain qualifications. First-a, she's-a gotta be blind, so she cannot see-a what-a I am-a doing to her. Second-a, she's-a gotta be deaf, so she cannot hear-a what I say-a. And third-a, she's-a gotta have-a the biggest tits-a in Italy!"

II. How many Polacks are needed for an electrical repair job?
Seven: one to be the negative pole, one to be the positive pole, and five to keep them apart!

III. "Hey man," says Swami Haridas to his friend, Stonehead Niskriya, "how come you got home so early from your date with Papaya Pineapple last night?"
"Well," explains Stonehead, "after dinner we went back to her apartment. We sat on her bed listening to music, talked for a while, and drank some herb tea. Then she slowly undressed, pulled back the bed covers, lay down, reached over me, and turned out the light." "So?" asks Haridas. "What happened?"
"Well, I can take a hint," replies Stonehead. "So I went home!"

IV. "That parapsychology course at the Osho Meditation University is fabulous!" says Swami Francesco. "My ESP talents are developing so fast!"
"That's hard to believe," states his friend, Swami Giovanni, "you'd better prove it."
"For instance, my telepathy," says Francesco. "You just point at any door, and I shall give you remarkable particulars about the person who answers."
"Okay, THAT door," points his friend. "Tell me what will happen."
"Well," meditates Francesco. "I feel that a man whose girlfriend is having her period will open the door...." "Hello, friends," greets Swami Mariano, entering the room through the same door. "Does your girlfriend have her period?" asks Giovanni.
"Shit!" answers Mariano, wiping his mouth and chin. "Can you see it?"

V. Big Bertha, the circus fat lady, marries Max the midget, and for a short time everything seems to be going just fine.
But then one day, Big Bertha arrives at Judge Grump's divorce court wanting a divorce on the grounds that her husband is a midget.
"But surely you knew he was a midget before you married him!" exclaims Judge Grump. "Did you not realize the difficulties this marriage would involve?"
"How was I to know?" sobs Bertha. "Everything was great except for the sex."
"Sex?" asks the judge. "What does his being a midget have to do with sex?"
"Well, judge," replies Big Bertha, "when we are nose to nose, his toes are in, and when we are toes to toes, his nose is in! And when he really puts it in, he disappears altogether -- and Oh, Your Honor! I get so lonely!"

VI. Paddy wakes up in hospital, covered in bandages, and notices Seamus sitting at his bedside. "What happened to me?" asks Paddy.
"Well," replies Seamus, "you had a few too many drinks last night, and then you made a bet that you could jump out of the window and fly around the pub."
"Why didn't you stop me?" Paddy screams.
"Stop you?" replies Seamus. "Hell, I bet twenty-five dollars on you."

VII. Pope the Polack finds that his Catholic Christian empire is crumbling. He orders all the Vatican researchers to try and find a solution to this impending disaster.
One day, Cardinal Catzass comes charging into the papal office.
"I've got it! I've got it!" screams Catzass. "In one of the old manuscripts, it says that God has left his final message on a tiny planet at the edge of the universe, called Hysteria."
Desperate, Pope the Polack empties out the safe of Banco Vaticano, and gives the money to the Russians to build him a rocket to take him to Hysteria.
After weeks of training, Pope the Polack, Cardinal Catzass, and a chimpanzee pilot, blast off from earth and hurtle through space towards the distant planet.
Light years later, they land at a tiny spaceport in the middle of the Hysteria desert, and the Polack pope does his thing kissing the dirt. On a signpost is written the words: "God's last message -- forty miles."
In full regalia, with his shepherd's staff, rocket-shaped hat, and space suit, Pope the Polack sets off, trudging through the desert. Cardinal Catzass waves the incense-burner as they go. Ten hours and twenty miles later, both the Polack pope and Cardinal Catzass are on their hands and knees, gasping for water.
The next morning sees the pair of Polacks pulling themselves slowly through the sand. That night, they reach the top of a small rise and look at the hills in the distance. There, in flashing neon lights, the whole hillside is lit up with God's final message to the universe. It reads: "We apologize for any inconvenience."
 

OSHO

ALL JOKES TO ME ARE PRAYERS - OSHO

I. A patrolman was about to write a speeding ticket, when a woman in the back seat began shouting at Mulla Nasruddin, ”There! I told you to watch out. But you kept right on. Getting out of line, not blowing your horn, passing stop streets, speeding, and everything else. Didn’t I tell you, you’d get caught? Didn’t I? Didn’t I?” 

”Who is that woman?” the patrolman asked. 

”My wife,” said the Mulla.

”Drive on,” the patrolman said. ”you have been Punished enough.”

II. One Thursday night, Mulla Nasruddin came home to supper. His wife served him baked beans. He

threw his plate of beans against the wall and shouted, ”I hate baked beans.”

’Mulla, I can’t figure you out,” his wife said,

”Monday night you liked Baked beans, Tuesday night you liked baked beans, Wednesday night you liked Baked beans and now, all of a sudden, on Thursday night, you say you hate Baked beans.”

III. The boss was complaining to Mulla Nasruddin about his constant tardiness. ”It’s funny,” he said. ”You are always late in the morning and you live right across the street. Now, Billy Wilson, who lives two miles away, is always on time.”

”There is nothing funny about it,” said Nasruddin.

”if Billy is late in the morning, he can hurry, but if I am late, I am here.”

IV. It was after the intermission at the theater, and Mulla Nasruddin and his wife were returning to their seats. ”Did I step on your feet as I went out?” the Mulla asked a man at the end of the row. ”You certainly did,” said the man awaiting an apology.

Mulla Nasruddin turned to his wife, ”it’s all right, darling,” he said. ”This is our Row.”

V. Mulla Nasrudin complained to the doctor about the size of his bill.

”But, Mulla,” said the doctor, ”You must remember that I made eleven visits to your home for you.”

”YES,” said Nasrudin, ”but you seem to be forgetting that i infected the whole

Neighbourhood.”

VI. Mulla Nasrudin finally spoke to his girlfriend’s father about marrying his daughter.

 ”It’s a mere formality, I know,” said the Mulla, ”but we thought you would be pleased if I asked.”

”And where did you get the idea,” her father asked, ”that asking my consent to the marriage was a mere formality?”

”Naturally, From Your Wife, Sir,” said Nasrudin.

VII. The prosecutor began his cross-examination of the witness, Mulla Nasrudin.

”Do you know this man?”

”How should I know him?”

”Did he borrow money from you?”

“Why should he borrow money from me?”

Annoyed, the judge asked the Mulla “Why do you perist in answering every question with another question?”

“why not?” said Mulla Nasrudin.

OSHO

LAUGHING BUDDHA

In Japan, a great mystic, Hotei, is called the laughing Buddha. He is one of the most loved mystics in Japan, and he never uttered a single word. As he became enlightened, he started laughing, and whenever somebody would ask, Why are you laughing? he would laugh more. And he would move from village to village, laughing.

A crowd will gather and he will laugh. And slowly -- his laughter was very infectious -- somebody in the crowd will start laughing, then somebody else, and then the whole crowd is laughing -- laughing because.... Why are they laughing? Everybody knows, "It is ridiculous; this man is strange, but why are we laughing?"

But everybody was laughing; and everybody was a little worried, "What will people think? There is no reason to laugh." But people would wait for Hotei, because they had never laughed in their whole life with such totality, with such intensity that after the laughter they found their every sense had become more clear. Their eyes could see better, their whole being had become light, as if a great burden had disappeared.

People would ask Hotei, "Come back again," and he would move, laughing, to another village. His whole life, for near about forty-five years after his enlightenment, he did only one thing and that was laughing. That was his message, his gospel, his scripture.

And it is to be noted that in Japan, nobody has been remembered with such respect as Hotei. You will find in every house, statues of Hotei. And he had done nothing except laugh; but the laughter was coming from such depth that it stayed with anyone who heard it and triggered his being, created a synchronicity.

Hotei is unique. In the whole world there is no other human being who has made so many people laugh -- for no reason at all. And yet, everybody was nourished by the laughter, and everybody was cleansed by the laughter, felt a well-being that he had never felt. Something from the unknowable depth started ringing bells in peoples' hearts.

Kavisho, if you can go without looking back at all, passing through the unknown into the unknowable, where everything will be lost -- questions, answers, me and you -- all that remains is pure existence, infinite and eternal. And I am saying it because it is possible. You have come a long way with me.
Thousands of people have come with me, and somebody drops out after a mile, somebody drops out after the second mile; I don't complain about them, I just feel sorry for them. They were not courageous enough. There came a point where they stopped.

But you have been like many of my sannyasins -- going without any fear, risking everything. There is every possibility that you will be one of those very few fortunate ones who attain to the ultimate truth.

Before you come to the laughter of Hotei, start laughing more and more deeply, more and more madly. This joke is just for you, Kavisho:

A young couple have been trying for ages to have a baby, but with no success. Finally they decided to go to the doctor with the problem. After a detailed interview he suggests that maybe they should not make love every day, to avoid love becoming a routine. They should make love only spontaneously. Not as if they have to do it, but only when they are possessed by it.

"You have to find the right, spontaneous moment," the doctor says, "when you feel the moment is right, do it." A few months later, sure enough, the woman is back and the doctor confirms her pregnancy. "May I enquire if my advice was of any help?" "Oh, doc," she says, "it was terrific. We were having a romantic candlelight dinner with french wine and soft music, and suddenly our hands met. We were looking deep into each others eyes and we both knew, `this is it!' We simply threw off the tablecloth and made love right on the table."

"Amazing," says the doctor. "Yes, it was great," she says, "the only sad thing about it is, that we can never go to that restaurant again."


OSHO