LAUGHTER IS THE VERY ESSENCE OF RELIGION

I. I have heard about the Polack Pope:
He was aboard a plane and the pilot said, "It is unfortunate that out of the four engines one has stopped working, but there is no need to worry. Three engines are more than enough to take us to our destination. The only thing is we will be three hours late."

After fifteen minutes he said, "Sorry to interrupt you again: the second engine has stopped, but no need to worry. Two engines are still more than enough and we will complete our journey, but now we will be six hours late."

And after half an hour he announced again, "Ladies and gentlemen, sorry to announce that the third engine has also failed, but still there is no need to panic. One engine is enough to take us to the destination, but now we will be nine hours late."

And after just five minutes he said, "If you want to say your prayers you can say them, because the last engine has stopped?" And there was great panic and chaos, but the Polack Pope was sitting silently. The lady sitting by his side ying and weeping and screaming He said "What is the matter? Why are you so worried? At the most we will be twelve hours late!"

II. The Polack patient lying on the operating table whispers to the surgical-masked doctor, "You can take your mask off now, doctor, I have recognized you!"

III. It is a dark and stormy day at the Vatican. The bells are tolling ominously, as inside, on his deathbed, lies Pope the Polack, breathing his last.
At the bedside there is a crowd of bishops, cardinals, priests and other homosexuals, moaning and chanting. Cardinal Cats-ass is crying his eyes out, as he is bent over the pope's face.
"Ah! Don't be upset," gasps Pope the Polack. "Don't cry. The Vatican council will surely find a great man to take my place. As a matter of fact, I am sure he will do much better than me." "But," whimpers Catsass, "that is just what they promised us last time!"

IV. The distraught young man was perched on the fortieth-floor ledge of a midtown hotel and threatening to jump. The closest the police could get was the roof of an adjacent building a few feet below. However, all pleas to the man to return to safety were of no avail. A priest from the nearest parish was summoned, and he hastened to the scene."Think, my son," he intoned to the would-be suicide. "Think of your mother and father who love you."

"Aw, they don't love me," the man replied. "I'm jumping!" "No! Stop!" cried the priest. "Think of the woman who loves you!"
"Nobody loves me! I'm jumping!" came the response. "But think," the priest implored, "think of Jesus and Mary and Joseph who love you!"
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph?" the man queried, "who are they?"
At which point the cleric yelled back, "Jump, you Jew bastard, jump!"

V. A minister, a priest and a rabbi were discussing how they "divined" what part of the collection money each retained for personal needs and what part was turned in to their respective institutions.

VI. "I draw a line," said the minister, "on the floor. All the money I toss in the air -- what lands to the right of the line I keep, to the left of the line is the Lord's."
The priest nodded, saying, "My system is essentially the same, only I use a circle. What lands inside is mine, outside is his." The rabbi smiled and said, "I do the same thing. I toss all the money into the air and whatever God grabs is his!"

VII. "How much for a roast beef sandwich?" asks Little Feenie Finkelstein, standing in Chicken Chopper's Sandwich Shop."Two dollars," replies Chicken Chopper, from 
behind the counter."How much for a cheese sandwich?" asks the little Jew.
"One dollar," replies Chicken.
"What about a ham sandwich?" asks Feenie. But before Chicken Chopper can reply there is a loud clap of thunder in the sky overhead.
Feenie Finkelstein falls to his knees, looks up at the sky and prays out loud, "Okay! Okay! -- I was only asking!"


OSHO

LAUGHTER IS NEEDED FOR YOU TO EXIST

I. The Polack Pope was finally persuaded by his cardinals to find a woman, so that he could better understand the problems of mankind. "Well-a, okay," said the Polack Pope, "but-a she's-a gotta have certain qualifications. First-a, she's-a gotta be blind, so she cannot see-a what-a I am-a doing to her. Second-a, she's-a gotta be deaf, so she cannot hear-a what I say-a. And third-a, she's-a gotta have-a the biggest tits-a in Italy!"

II. How many Polacks are needed for an electrical repair job?
Seven: one to be the negative pole, one to be the positive pole, and five to keep them apart!

III. "Hey man," says Swami Haridas to his friend, Stonehead Niskriya, "how come you got home so early from your date with Papaya Pineapple last night?"
"Well," explains Stonehead, "after dinner we went back to her apartment. We sat on her bed listening to music, talked for a while, and drank some herb tea. Then she slowly undressed, pulled back the bed covers, lay down, reached over me, and turned out the light." "So?" asks Haridas. "What happened?"
"Well, I can take a hint," replies Stonehead. "So I went home!"

IV. "That parapsychology course at the Osho Meditation University is fabulous!" says Swami Francesco. "My ESP talents are developing so fast!"
"That's hard to believe," states his friend, Swami Giovanni, "you'd better prove it."
"For instance, my telepathy," says Francesco. "You just point at any door, and I shall give you remarkable particulars about the person who answers."
"Okay, THAT door," points his friend. "Tell me what will happen."
"Well," meditates Francesco. "I feel that a man whose girlfriend is having her period will open the door...." "Hello, friends," greets Swami Mariano, entering the room through the same door. "Does your girlfriend have her period?" asks Giovanni.
"Shit!" answers Mariano, wiping his mouth and chin. "Can you see it?"

V. Big Bertha, the circus fat lady, marries Max the midget, and for a short time everything seems to be going just fine.
But then one day, Big Bertha arrives at Judge Grump's divorce court wanting a divorce on the grounds that her husband is a midget.
"But surely you knew he was a midget before you married him!" exclaims Judge Grump. "Did you not realize the difficulties this marriage would involve?"
"How was I to know?" sobs Bertha. "Everything was great except for the sex."
"Sex?" asks the judge. "What does his being a midget have to do with sex?"
"Well, judge," replies Big Bertha, "when we are nose to nose, his toes are in, and when we are toes to toes, his nose is in! And when he really puts it in, he disappears altogether -- and Oh, Your Honor! I get so lonely!"

VI. Paddy wakes up in hospital, covered in bandages, and notices Seamus sitting at his bedside. "What happened to me?" asks Paddy.
"Well," replies Seamus, "you had a few too many drinks last night, and then you made a bet that you could jump out of the window and fly around the pub."
"Why didn't you stop me?" Paddy screams.
"Stop you?" replies Seamus. "Hell, I bet twenty-five dollars on you."

VII. Pope the Polack finds that his Catholic Christian empire is crumbling. He orders all the Vatican researchers to try and find a solution to this impending disaster.
One day, Cardinal Catzass comes charging into the papal office.
"I've got it! I've got it!" screams Catzass. "In one of the old manuscripts, it says that God has left his final message on a tiny planet at the edge of the universe, called Hysteria."
Desperate, Pope the Polack empties out the safe of Banco Vaticano, and gives the money to the Russians to build him a rocket to take him to Hysteria.
After weeks of training, Pope the Polack, Cardinal Catzass, and a chimpanzee pilot, blast off from earth and hurtle through space towards the distant planet.
Light years later, they land at a tiny spaceport in the middle of the Hysteria desert, and the Polack pope does his thing kissing the dirt. On a signpost is written the words: "God's last message -- forty miles."
In full regalia, with his shepherd's staff, rocket-shaped hat, and space suit, Pope the Polack sets off, trudging through the desert. Cardinal Catzass waves the incense-burner as they go. Ten hours and twenty miles later, both the Polack pope and Cardinal Catzass are on their hands and knees, gasping for water.
The next morning sees the pair of Polacks pulling themselves slowly through the sand. That night, they reach the top of a small rise and look at the hills in the distance. There, in flashing neon lights, the whole hillside is lit up with God's final message to the universe. It reads: "We apologize for any inconvenience."
 

OSHO